im STRESSED

My friend when I think of you,
I think of all that we've been through.
All the times we argue and fight,
I know deep inside that it isn't right.
I'd feel guilty and alot of pain.
It feels like I'm the teardrops of the rain.
I love you dear friend with all of my heart.
I hope our friendship will never fall apart.
Although I am bad at giving advice,
I'll try even harder to listen to you twice.
I want to be there for you in times of need,
To support you always till you succeed.
Sometimes I may not totally understand,
The thoughts in your mind that you've planned.
Give me some more time for me to change,
And I assure you that it will not be strange.
The complications and confusion in my mind,
Are the things that I want to leave behind.
Let's treasure our friendship like we used to be,
Cuz' you're my hero and that's a guarantee!

--------------------------------------------------

I wrote this first ever original poem for my bestest friend.


But don't know why I'm feeling very lost and afraid now
Suddenly there's so many things going through my mind
Im afraid of many things
Going Uni.. a total stranger course
The friends that I will be making
Will I accept their different mindsets and thinkings?
Recently have gone out with a new group of friends
But it was just so weird that I couldn't understand
Can I really accept it..the changes around me that are going to happen?
My dizi solo in Aug..
Frankly speaking I have not been practicing a lot..
And I hate myself for not doing so
I'm afraid that my first ever solo perf at Esplanade concert hall will be a disaster!
I'm afraid that I will not overcome my stage fright
I'm afraid of moving on..
I'm afraid of losing my loved ones
I'm afraid of losing the happy times that I'm enjoying now

I'm afraid I'm going emo..again..

Dear Diary,

oh man.. I just watched the replay of American Idol Finale Results.. and Im a little bit sad that Adam Lambert didn't win American Idol =( haix..

I think he is really superb!! I love his vocals!! =)) so powerful!!

Adam Lambert Rocks!! ^^

I love his "No Boundaries"

Dear Diary,

Today I did a good deed =) I went to Dhoby Ghaut to donate blood. The blood donation drive is until tomorrow. So ppl who wanna do a good deed can go there to donate! It's painless and very satisfying to the heart!

The last time I donated blood was in 2006 in SP. 3 yrs le..how time flies~ =) The whole process took me 2 whole hrs!! But the wait was indeed worth it! I feel very happy after I donated =)

Hope my blood will save someone's life! =))

heehee...

Dear Diary,

I wondered how I got over with my ex bf few yrs back so fast.. think i got over with him after few weeks later. Although sometimes I will miss him and recall back of the happy and romantic moments we shared, still.. it is all in the past already.. no point looking back.. cos' feelings have changed..

I guess the solution to get over something is to be real occupied with sooo many things so that you'll become so busy until you don't have the time, mind or energy to think. And also to minimise contact like sms or even go out.. that was how I got over with him so fast.. lol.. of course, I had my friends' and family's support at that down period of my time..

but then how to get over with feelings of love for a friend whom I will never want to lose? cos' I treasure the friendship so much that I will never ever bear to destroy it with my own hands! many years of good friendship slowly becoming to real best friend/companions..trust..care and concern..happiness.. it will be foolish of me to break it!

I've tried so hard.. I can't bear to minimise contact or going out.. no matter how busy I am, I will still find time to spend with my best friend. Cos' I enjoy being with my best friend and I feel that I am being myself when I'm with my best friend. There's nothing to hide, even my bad habits.. I don't have to worry about entrusting most of my deepest secrets, feelings, problems or gossips with my best friend! My best friend is a great problem solver and I got to learn a lot of meaningful yet useful trips from my best friend! Most of all.. I love my best friend! =')

I keep on telling myself not to think so much and that I will change or get rid of my weird and wrongful thinkings.. but then.. is it wrong to love my best friend? but sometimes it gets so frustrating and hurtful that it harms our friendship..especially when it becomes one-sided.. or maybe my love for my best friend is just love for a friend.. not BGR.. maybe I'm confused all the while..

But I've always thought.. how good it will be if we can remain like this forever.. I don't need all the romantic sweet actions.. cos' we have been really good and close even without body contacts..

how good it will be if my best friend will go through my life with me..and continue to help me along the way..

how good it will be if we could still go out and watch movies at nights together for as long as possible.. but things do not turn out the way we think they will be.. maybe we would say or predict that we can still be as close as how we are when both of us have found another so-called "life partner".. but then how will we know when we have not experienced it? There will surely be a lot of other problems arising.. cos' we would then have to think of our own "life partner" first right.. how many bf/gf would be so generous to allow or entrust their bf/gf to go out until so late with their other gender friend who have even known their own bf/gf even longer than themselves? Even if they are so generous or open-minded, but then of course all these outings with our best friends would be lesser and lesser.. it is natural and logical that we spend most time with our bf/gf right..

But what is exactly the feeling of BGR? I'm sometimes so confused till I've forgotten what it is.. is it just heart-beating fast or feeling of shyness when you see the guy you love or when you see him you don't dare to look at him straight in the eye? Or is it when you'll keep on thinking about the guy every moment at least once every single day? Or always looking at your HP hoping the guy you love will msg you or call you or even better, ask you out? Or is it when you see the guy you love going out or playing with other girls and you get so jealous till you want to get his attention so he'll know? is that called the so-called 'special' feeling?

Sometimes life gets to a point where you cannot remain in your comfort and blissful zone.. I hate changes in life! but will a change be a better solution to all these problems? or will it not? I have to face it somehow.. be it lost, rejects, regrets, deaths, disasters, illnesses or even good things.. the day will arrive somehow.. just that sometimes we people enjoy so much of our life now, that we want to extend it to as long as possible.. or hoping that time will stop. but we know that it will not happen..

Sometimes people say that if we love someone we should let the person know.. if not there might not be a chance and we may regret not doing so.. but sometimes getting a lot of rejects and empty hopes are making me lose confidence.. or am I just being stubborn thinking that if I keep on trying.. miracle will happen?

Some other people say that if we love someone we should let the person go.. this is called true generous love.. but not all people can do it.. we humans are selfish.. esp when it comes to love.. but of course, if we truly love someone, we also want him/her to be happy. If that person is unhappy by our repeating actions or behaviour or words, then what's love already? If both party are unhappy.. then isnt it better to have 1 of them to be happy rather than both to be unhappy? Anyway, I'm sure the person who will be heartbroken, depressed or sad.. will slowly recover from all the heartbreaks soon...just need the time to get over with it and move on..

I know that there is no result in force love.. of course I do not wish my life partner to be with me becos' he's forced too.. or bcos' he doesnt want me to get hurt.. or bcos' he wants me to happy. But I will definitely not be happy if he is forced to be with me.. and not bcos' he truly wants to.. Both parties will definitely end up being very painful and tired of sustaining the relationship which was never meant to be started..

love is so complicated and complex.. sometimes no matter how hard we try or commit.. we just cannot be together with the ones we truly love.. feelings are so complicated.. how good it will be if I know what the other party is thinking..

but still.. I love my best friend.. and I treasure both of our friendships! =)

I wish to have more best friends too =)) cos' the feeling of having a best friend is really very blessed!

Dear Diary,

realised that recently I have become so emo.. but still, I'm grateful for everything and thankful for the people around me who have helped me or supported me or been with me or given me great advices or pointed out my bad points or given me opportunities or let me realised that I should not take things for granted..or been indecisive..

recently just graduated from the 1st batch of Star Program at Echomusic. Will miss the times having lesson with Raymond and Regina.. ='( haix.. best times ever.. cos' they made realise how fun singing is and I've found myself another passion which I never ever thought I will have before. but still.. haix..

feeling tired of CO sometimes.. cos' i've lost motivation, the push to accomplish something.. maybe I should faster go back have lesson with HLS.. but money is another prob.. though i have an opportunity to play solo for concerto in Chengsan CO but then its not confirmed.. cos' until now I havent receive my scores.. and think july is the concert le.. can i master the piece in 3 months? anyway.. now i'm really afraid ZLS will last min tell me that he cannot managed to buy a score for me to play.. and maybe it'll be time for me to quit.. i dunno..

another opportunity is teach..but then conductor still have to discuss with teacher in charge.. so I cant confirm.. last time he also asked me whether I wanted to teach and I readily and excitedly said yes.. but until syf over also no news.. but now.. i dunno..

lost my fixed part time job.. =(
lost my tuition.. =(
lesser recordings i suppose..=(

hmm..

am i emo again?

i'm such a complicated person with complicated feelings and complicated mind.. and funny thing is that I've been reading so many different self-help or inspirational bks recently but they doesn't seem to help.. though i understand what I must do or must not do.. in the end.. it seems to be the same..

stop the emo!!!!!

i'm a happy person... I cannot let my wild imaginations control me!!

i love my family and friends =)

Dear Diary,

confused.. dun understand why ppl will think it that way.. cant accept their ways of thinking and actions.. but this is life.. have to accept ppl in order for them to accept you.. hmm.. dunno why murderers will have the thought of killing.. how can they bear to do it?? weird aye.. i cant understand ppl.. -.-

argh..

but i want to understand..

but will i have the patience or an open mind to accept it?

hmm...

i really wish to know..

I feel sad after hearing about the Jap war stories and how ppl used to torture ppl in the past. It was horrible!! inhumane!! >.<" that's why I hate violent gruesome shows or games! Why ppl will have these thoughts?? And when I heard about how ppl kill animals.. I was feeling really uncomfortable!! I know I have no rights to feel sorry.. cos' Im eating them every day.. but if ppl dun kill them then we dun eat rite.. kill le must eat if not like very waste of their sacrifice.. contradicting again.. haix.. =( but I know God created animals for us to eat.. but why will he do that if animals like us humans, have feelings too? why is God being unfair to the animals? hmm.. this is one thing i still dun understand.. maybe i hate unfairness.. but its too controversial to carry on.. so let's put it in this way.. as its the way nature works ba..

if everyone can be happy everyday.. living in peace and harmony.. being kind to others.. instead of showing a grumpy face.. show a happy and smiling face..the world will be so wonderful.. and no cops are needed.. but i guess lesser and lesser ppl are doing so.. i'll be in my dreamland for all these things to happen..

walk down on the streets.. always see ppl showing the "no feelings" face.. or grumpy.. or angry faces.. or even those irritated looking expressions.. especially in crowded places.. pushing each other.. even I have been following into their footsteps.. when we look into the stranger's eyes.. we would try our best to siam it fast so we dun have to give any expressions.. and if we suddenly look into their eyes for a sec and smile at them.. they might think we are mad.. or we mistook them for someone whom we know of?

thinking back.. last time when I was in pri sch.. I would give up a seat for the elderly and almost any adults or children who may need the seat more than I do.. and the feeling of being kind to them made me really happy! but as I grew up.. dunno why I only have the feeling of doing good to myself.. and that will be good enough.. I'm being more insensitive to ppl around me.. strangers esp..

isnt it weird.. or is it nature.. hmm.. weird humans..

today had a funny encounter inside the bus.. lol.. an indian man was being really inconsiderate.. putting his arms to rest on the back of the sofa seats.. and making the ppl seating beside him feeling so uncomfortable.. i wonder if he had armpit odour ma.. lol.. that'll be terrible!

but anyway, those ppl sitting beside him quickly changed seats to avoid him.. then suddenly when he was on the phone with someone.. he became very aggressive.. like going to kill someone! shouted over the phone loudly with vigourous hand signals! scared the few old aunties around him.. lol.. but luckily he alighted the bus very soon.. and so funny. the aunties for 15mins.. kept talking about him.. saying that he's abnormal.. and saying that if he did not leave the bus soon.. they would have changed seats.. as they were scared he might hit them out of his not-so-right mind..

hmm.. sometimes i really pity those ppl who are disabled.. esp those seating in wheel chairs selling tissues or begging for money etc.. but then i dunno why even though I feel sorry for them.. I still dunwan to donate money to them.. contradicting rite.. just that I feel that beggars arent really worth us to help them.. instead of begging others and looking down or giving up on oneself, why not do something which is more meaningful so that ppl will come and help you automatically? I really look up to those who are trying their best to stay strong and showing others that they are not looked down upon.. and they are like normal human beings like us..**salute them**

that's why i say that im being more insensitive nowadays.. hai.. i do wanna help.. but i just cant do it.. and sometimes when I look at them..esp beggars.. i despise them even more.. and i feel so bad about it!

life..