J O Y C E.
there's nothing wrong with my name.
I love blogging, well, that's the main reason this URL exists.
She's the only witness and the only person who can judge her life.
This is my blog so Click here if you hate it.

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Designed by Raymond Chua ``-bluezcold ^^- ``Created On 02April2008

Profile

Name: Joyce Poh
School: Singapore Polytechnic
Course: Dip in Music and Audio Technology (Yr3)
Age: 19
DateOfBirth: 27October1988

MY LOVES
DiZi
Performing
MUSIC!
Comedy/Romance Movies
Anime
Swimming
Dreaming
Egg,Ice-cream,chocolate
People who cares
Smiling =)

MY HATES
Unappreciative ppl
Horror Movies
World War/Home War
Making Decisions
Yam, EggPlant and Lady's Fingers

MY WISHES
Peace & Harmony
Know myself & others better
Everyone I care are healthy including myself
Jaw faster heal!!
Happy and more energetic


Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Dear Diary,

Haix.. why when things are just getting better suddenly more problems arise? Recently having a lot of problems with my family.. And the 2 lead roles are my bro and my sis. Separate problems and both are extreme cases.. haix.. and then the result, parents quarrelling.. pushing the blame to one another.. but not themselves.

my bro is so unfilial.. crashed my father's car.. threatened him and us..by either saying he wants to leave the house or commit suicide.. treat our home like a hotel.. to him, nothing else is important except his girlfriend and computer.

my sis is another problem.. i feel that i'm beginning to feel like a total stranger to her.. i don't understand her anymore or at all.. she keeps everything to herself.. no matter how many times we love her, or talk to her and explain to her things.. for her own good.. she pretends to listen to us but in the end, more problems come from her.. i'm so tired of all these.. bcos' im so lost and helpless..

just when i've settled down with my decisions on studying.. now more problems..

i think i am going mad..

what i feel worse is that, i cant do anything to help at all.. i'm so lost.. and i hate it when i drag my friends together with me.. but i just cannot keep everything inside me.. i'll feel worse..

im sorry if i keep stressing you all up with my problems.. i don't really mean it de.. i know you all are already so stressed up with your own problems.. but then...

and also besides that, i still have my own problems.. haix.. all i can do is to avoid it.. cos' no matter how hard i try i know its still impossible.. so instead of always thinking and hoping for it, why not just forget about it and not think at all?

haix.. i feel that i really don't understand ppl at all..

things are not meant to be how you wished for in reality.. you just have to accept it and move on.. but why do i keep thinking about it..

Anyway, i really enjoyed my 3rd singing perf at White Tangerine Cafe on Sun! It was fun~!

Yesterday so many things happened again.. haix.. and then my boss spoke to me.. Actually I shouldnt feel sad at all.. cos' this was what I wanted in the first place.. maybe its the better choice for me to leave.. He's right.. i'm still unstable.. i just cant do anything right.. but just when i'm kind of liking my job and colleagues.. and.. in 2 more weeks..

everything seems so wrong..

today had a great time going out with Chu Jun!! Its been months since we went out together.. and I really enjoyed it.. bought a lot of things.. 2 shirts and 1 pair of jeans! =) and I also bought toys for my niece.. went to my sis's house after shopping to pass the present to my niece..had a great time playing the toys with her =)

tired.. sian.. so unlucky.. waited for 3 buses of 51.. all came single deck.. then the whole bus was so packed till the driver didnt want to open the door.-.-

just when i wanted to walk all the way down to take bus 87, the rain poured.. and i waited for 55 to come and took bus..

today enjoyed the feeling of walking in the rain..

felt so relaxed..

i want to drink wine!! drown myself.. forget everything else..

MY COMPUTER SOUND SYSTEM GOT PROBLEM!!! ARGH >.<"

I NEED HELP!!

11:41:00 PM


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Dear Diary,

Yesterday after work went to Sam's house. =) Da Bao subway to eat..hehe.. so long didnt go to her house le.. =) then chatted from 7pm-1130pm. She's very talented man.. plays a lot of instruments..piano, violin, guitar, piano, flute, singing..etc.. I think i really lack of determination ba.. so far i bought guitar and keyboard but didnt practice.. gave up halfway.. though i always tell myself not to give up so easily..hai.. luckily im still consistent in my Dizi.. and now taking up singing lessons.. i hope to learn as many things as possible..

Yesterday heard Sam played the piano.. so nice!! And suddenly had an urge to faster get home to practice on my keyboard.. already dusty liao.. When I heard her playing, suddenly whole mind felt so relaxed.. like all my worries were gone.. How I wish I can play like her.. =) Piano's so hard to coordinate!! >.< One thing... i felt really angry about myself.. though both of us take different courses, we're quite similar.. she's from Sonic Arts.. also got study what I've studied.. then when Sam asked me some questions about music technology stuffs.. i was totally lost for words.. blurr!!! cos' the things she asked me.. like I didnt learn in school before..I didnt understand what she had asked.. or was it that I did not pay enough attention in class? haix.. i feel so stupid.. =( Its either her school really taught a lot and more in depth than mine.. But one thing for sure, i've never regretted studying music and audio technology in SP.. =)

but then... why a stupid person can get merit and also become model student.....?? Where did my marks come from? Luck or really my hard work?

/.\

I have to relax and not think so much le.. let nature takes it course ba..^^

Anyway, I'm having my 3rd perf at WTC this coming sunday at 7pm =) Esther just msged me.. needa sing 3 songs.. I hope I will impress her or at least let her see my improvement.. on my FEELINGS!!! jia you ba!! yahoo..Aza Aza Fighting!! =D

btw, how time flies.. if I had chose to go UK this year, I'll be at UK now le.. lol -.-

what's my path?

3:52:00 PM


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

KBox with Conductor Yao Shen Shen =)

Dear Diary,

Today didnt go work.. on leave every monday to prac my dizi for competition.. practiced my dizi the whole morning.. don't know why i feel that i'm like just playing my pieces without feeling.. my thinking was just to be able to play all the notes correctly and loud.. cos' im always commented on my volume not loud enough.. haven't play till the maximum of what the dizi can produce..

so 230pm went to Hong Lao Shi's house for my first ever lesson after stopping for about 4months le.. =) didnt expect lao shi would extend the lesson till 5pm..haha! =)) then first thing.. he showed me the new purple bamboo F diao bangdi.. quite nice to blow.. cos' i told him my F diao bangdi very hard to blow high notes.. so I bought from him a new dizi.. yay! but quite ex.. think so far its the most expensive dizi i've bought ba.. but hope it'll help me for my competition.

then Lao Shi commented that nowadays he feels that my Qi like weakened.. haix.. and my notes not in tune.. some flat some sharp.. so asked me to check with the tuner..

He asked me to practice my long notes.. so that my Qi will improve..

Then sad thing was that..when I played my 2 competition songs for him to listen, he told me that I didnt have any feelings.. blow till vey straight and too accurate.. haix.. but its so hard to play with feelings.. think i must prac and focus more on the dynamics from now on le..

felt demoralised.. but i know i cant keep on feeling this way, if not i won't improve at all.. i'll overcome it!!

after that, supposed to meet min hui they all at Orchard at 530pm for dinner with conductor.. but I had to go home put my dizi and stuffs first.. so I reached around 645pm.. =)

went to grab a quick dinner at long john's before meeting them..

lol!!

I thought would have a lot of ppl coming for Karaoke session with Conductor Yao.. but when I went to meet them, only got 5 of us.. Conductor, Min Hui, Su Min,Wan Ying and myself.. Conductor Yao was the only guy there.. so funny!! haha.. he was a bit paiseh at first but when we started singing..he was so cute! Though he's older than us by a few years.. he's just like us.. young at heart.. haha.. so funny.. while singing, he did all those hand signals and actions.. to show out the meaning of the songs..and dancing..haha.. then also play PSP.. -.- haha.. first time see a conductor who can gel with his students so close and also without any 'Jia Zhi'.. =D And he is really very good at singing too!!! We sang a lot of 90s songs.. so quite a different experience for me.. cos' usually when I go Kbox.. is sing those usual songs..haha.. learnt quite a few songs tonight =)

I really enjoyed the whole time with everyone..!!

I still remember the first time I saw Conductor Yao was during the day of my Dizi Diploma exam.. I had SYCO audition on the same day after my diploma exam at NUS.. then I had to rush down to SCH for audition.. and I was moved to the last one cos' they actually moved forward the audition.. then the judges including Conductor Yao were there and they waited for me for 30mins.. so paiseh la! but no choice cos' my diploma exam timing was fixed and so coincidence both fell on the same day!

But Conductor Yao was very friendly and smiley.. totally different impression as compared to last year's conductor. He even joked with me..haha.. Then during this one year of his guidance in SYCO as a Conductor, I never seen him angry or scolded anyone before.. gonna miss him.. heard that he's leaving SG back to Shanghai this thurs.. so fast... but i'm happy cos' get to spend the last time with him and SYCO peeps =)) hehehe...

I wish you All the Best, Conductor Yao!! ^^






Argh.. my empty wisdom tooth gum is aching.. making my head so painful.. >.<"
HELP!!


i feel so weird now.. i miss him..

12:52:00 AM


Sunday, September 21, 2008

my feelings for ONLY today..it might not be the same for tmr.. or not?

Dear Diary,

Yesterday went to celebrate Derek's early Birthday with the usual Srsco peeps..this yr a bit different..cos usually celebrate the birthdays of the 4 of us-chu jun, raymond, derek and myself together..but this year its different..cos so many things changed..i still miss the past....anyway.. we went to sing Karaoke at Kster Chinatown.. the room was horribly smelly.. and the system was so troublesome.. need to use mouse to click.. mic even worse.. muffled and had a rusty smell..their service super slow.. and worst of all was they actually calculated the bill wrongly for us.. at first we thought each only need to pay $5.20.. so still ok la.. cos' the place was horrible.. but then after we foot the bill, the person came in and told us they calculated wrongly.. so ended up each paying $15.. can say is cheaper than Kbox la.. but I would rather pay a few dollars more to be in a better environment.

James was very very romantic..haha.. he actually planned this event very well.. and even gave everyone and Derek a big surprise when they suddenly played the 'Happy Birthday' song and we started singing..they suddenly came in with a cake lighted with candles.. it was so romantic! haha.. how i wish i would get this surprise on my birthday too..haha..

Actually during the singing session.. I felt a bit weird la.. cos' all guys.. I thought Angie, Jason and YJ would be going too..then somehow I felt a bit left out.. Cos' the guys were so close to each other... felt weird..esp seeing him suddenly sooo close to them..like putting his arms around their shoulders.. but i also tried to sing with them.. quite ok la.. but i feel that my singing is so horrible.. like no improvement even after attending 1 month plus de singing lessons le..

then after that, we went to Bugis to eat at a vegetarian food stall.. quite nice.. Angie, Jason, YJ and MK came to join us.. the table was so cramped..but ok la..service and food was delicious!! ^^

after that, actually planned to go to Esplanade the Merlion there to play with fireworks and celebrated belated mooncake festival.. but then like didnt have any convenient place for us to celebrate..then we decided to go Punggol Park instead.. but I went home.. cos' was feeling quite tired and sian..and a bit left out.. dunno why.. I feel that im still not as close to everyone else yet.. actually tried to find topic to talk.. but dunno why still like tt.. really envy him why he can be so sociable and gets everyone's attention.. why he cares for so many ppl..and so many ppl like him so much and seek him for advice and etc...even myself...he is like my idol.. who is so hard to follow..but i really idolize him so much.. sometimes i already tried to socialise or not think so much.. but it always ends up this way when im in a group with him or not.. i know i shouldnt feel this way, cos' its not like everyone meet up every day.. we seldom get to go out in a big group like this.. and its only right to catch up with one another and joke around and have fun! If not, what's the point of meeting up in a group right? stupid me.. but i dunno why am i feeling this way.. I also really want to joke around with everyone and also move our friendships to higher level..not just those normal hello..how are u.. or how's life recently..like there's still a distance between us.. i want to joke around.. have fun.. laugh laugh laugh..too.....

is this my problem again.. haix.. why am i like this? or is it just that i care for him way too much till now it has all become jealousy and selfishness?

I felt even more weird when i see him putting his arms around the shoulders of the other guys.. like he suddenly become so open nowadays..

what is love? is this all just siblings love? then if it is for me, why do i feel so jealous about such minor things? maybe i should change my thinking and feeling ba..

nowadays i keep thinking about the past.. i missed the feeling of being loved and in love.. i missed the feeling of romance and intimacy.. however, i know i what im doing.. im just thinking and missing it only.. i know nothing will help by thinking about the past.. i have to move on..

but sometimes im so tired.. i feel tt im just acting to be strong or acting as if nothing is wrong or everything is normal.. or maybe im really feeling it and not acting at all?? i dunno..

why am i so selfish... i know i cant force someone to change just because i dun like the way that person is doing, saying or acting.. perhaps i should just get used to it.. and accept it..instead of feeling so stressed about it everytime.. i dun wan to keep on discussing about the same problem everytime..because it wont help as the prob is still there.. but why is it so hard for me to change my thinking?

i think for this part.. i already failed.. if i want to become a counsellor or psychiatrist...... cos you have to accept everyone you meet.. with no biasness or any justifications.. maybe i should really do psychology? so that i can learn to accept and understand ppl..

but i am just not used to it...sometimes i just tell myself.. dun think so much or dun bother so much.. i remember our vow.. but will it really help? i dun wan to lose him as a friend.. because he is very important to me..and i dun treat him only like a bro..

sometimes i just dunno what he is really thinking.. how i wish i could read his mind..

im just so bad at understanding ppl..

but i want to improve on that..

i want to be slim of course.. who dun wan to be pretty and slim..this has been my dream since young..esp when playing with barbie dolls last time.. everytime imagine the dolls to be myself.. but its so hard too.. maybe i really lack of determination.. but i am who i am now.. and i accept and love myself for who i am now..

i miss him..

I had a horrible nightmare again last night.. guessed who i dreamt of.. the dream got worse than the previous 2 dreams that i dreamt of that person..

im afraid... what if.. one day.. he..

will our friendship be as close as what we are now..

this year has been my happiest year ever..though also had a lot of things happened along the way like about what to study,work,misfortunes.....etc.. maybe it's bcos' i get to spend a lot of time with that person and having his greatest support as well as from my other friends,teachers and family.. and i enjoy and treasure every moment spent with him.....that's why i'm happy and i dont regret my decisions because i know i will be able to handle my own life..

Perhaps i should just focus more on my competition for now ba.. i should love my dizi more instead..lol.. dizi i love you..hahahaha... pls support me for my competition.. bcos the competition is vey important to me.. i will do my best.. and i will overcome my stage fright!

the group competition is also giving me lots of stress.. cos' not only i got solo parts, but i have to blow them with feelings.. ZLS today told me that i blow well but no feeling to the song..haix.. im so depressed again..why i dun have feeling when singing or playing dizi de?I've tried to be engrossed into it...but still like nothing.. though i always feel that im already so emo..

am i weird? lol.. :S

maybe i'll feel differently tmr.. my mood swings so easily..lol.. pardon me..

i love my friends..thank u all..=)

9:36:00 PM


Saturday, September 20, 2008

Dear Diary,

I simply LOVE my songs!! ^^

10:17:00 AM


Friday, September 19, 2008

Dear Diary,

Yesterday's work was alright..haha.. =) actually ppl there quite friendly la..hehe.. just dun like that particular person..from.. maybe i should just open up more ba.. find more topics to talk about ^^

so stupid me!! tt day walked by the bus stop then saw bus 12.. then realised i can take the bus straight to my student's house at loyang.. but i didnt know the bus stop was so far..at People's Park there..-.- So rushed all the way to the bus stop.. was already late i suppose.. cos' i left at 620..

then I thought the journey wouldnt be so long.. maybe just take 1hr at most.. but then OMG.. from outram to loyang took me 1hr 30 mins!! I reached my student's house at 810pm -.-

was supposed to start lesson at 730..haha..next time i take train and bus better.. though more ex.. but save time.. how i wish i still have student concession.. sigh~

I like every 2-3days need to top up $10.. so there's where all my money go to....besides food..

my student's mother is so nice.. every lesson she'll give me food and drinks.. so touched, happy and thankful to her! Cos' i think she know I didnt eat my dinner..=x.. ^^ xie xie..

so in return, I better do my best to teach my student well!!! jia you! =D

7:27:00 AM


Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Dear Diary,

I missed poly days..

Today went to meet Chiew Hsia for dinner.. hee.. =) looking forward to our group's next outing next week.. yay ^^

Looking forward to the next episode of Itazura Na Kiss.. ^^ hehehehe.. watashi wa suki anime desu.. whakakakaka!

everyday do the same things..feeling so sian.. dunno how to communicate..like dont know what to talk about..no common topic.. staring at the computer whole day.. the chair made my butt painful.. maybe i should buy a pillow to rest on my butt..lol...


today so angry.. argh >.<" that person so ma fan.. ma fan ma fan ma fan... argh >.<" its their fault but say like all our fault.. i just followed what I was supposed to do.. and I do my best.. do it fast and correctly.. but they keep changing.. everytime complain this complain that..then blame everything on us..then when we complain to them.. they'll have something to argue back.. like they have so many tedious tasks to do..blablabla.. as if our tasks are so easy... argh >.<"" just that one person.. dunno is male/female.. lol.. like bu nan bu nu de name..

11:01:00 PM


Monday, September 15, 2008

Dear Diary,

Yesterday had a great time at Esplanade.. last SYCO concert with Conductor Yao Shen Shen.. I must say.. this year's Beautiful Sunday Concert ROCKS the best!! The most successful concert ever in all these years of SYCO.. yesterday was full house man.. till they need to open up the 4th level!! last yr was pathetic.. only open till 2nd level if i'm not wrong. I love this year!! =) Yao Lao Shi is such a nice person.. For this 1 whole year of conducting, I've never seen him scolding or putting a long face during practices.. SOmetimes I feel very bad.. for keep skipping practices.. haix... All of us will surely miss him! but sad.. forgot to take photo with him yesterday..hai.. was in a rush.. but luckily i took photo with him during annual concert.. so can keep as Ji Nian.. =))

Hope to see him back in SG soon!! ^^ He's such a nice man..hahaha.. and he surprised all of us yesterday by playing Er Hu for our encore piece - Sai Ma.. so cool!! ^^

And most importantly, I was very happy that Raymond came down alone to watch my perf.. though he was a bit disappointed.. cos i told him i had a solo part.. but only a very short part.. but at least, he rushed down all the way to watch my perf! really happy and touched!! ^^ hee..thank you raymond!! =D muacks.

Though my solo part was very short.. I was already quite happy le.. cos' I have always longed to have a solo part in SYCO.. haix.. I really hope next year I go try for the Concerto piece and I will be selected.. this has always been my dream since I joined SYCO.. haix.. I must really work on my techniques and especially my confidence.. I need to build up my confidence!!!!!!!

Really envy those ppl who has alot of confidence in themselves when performing on stage.. and they really can be so engrossed in their music. This is what I lack now.. Im always so kan jiong.. and cannot relax myself.. always so tense up.. haix..and no feelings.. no emotions.. /.\

After the perf, Raymond and I went to have dinner and shopped.. so touched.. that he spent so much money just to get a key chain soft toy for me.. but sadded.. cos' only managed to win one.. but really happy!! ^^

Then we went to The Cathay to watch Mama Mia.. =) haha.. the show's quite lame and stupid but I love their songs..especially 'The Winner Takes It All', 'I Have A Dream' & 'When All Is Said And Done'

=)

Today finally had the time to continue watching my anime show.. 'Itazura Na Kiss'

And Im addicted to it!! This anime's the best romance anime I've ever watched. The story is not draggy at all.. in fact, the story moves very fast.. till I feel that there should be more episodes.. though the episodes are not complete yet.

Sometimes how I really wish that I'm living in the world of Happily Ever After.. a world that I can create my own endings and plot.. haix.. how I wish I can be more thick skinned and brave like the female character, Kotoko. Who does not give up easily..

Really missed that feeling of happiness.. but dunno why after watching so many romance movies together.. all remains the same.. I guess I already forgotten what it's like.. the feeling that makes your heart pound so fast.. why can't............................ I really envy...

at least i still have my good friend, my pillow, to hug when I need it.. =')


I want a spongebob squarepants OR patrick OR elmo OR la bi xiao xin OR cookie monster Soft toy for my birthday!! hahaha..





Thank you Raymond.. my dearest friend..for today..
.
.
.
.
.
iYu

10:54:00 PM


Saturday, September 13, 2008

Dear Diary,

Tmr is the final moment.. last perf and I'm done with the 2 long weeks of endurance. Today's gig perf with Zhi Neng and yesterday's with Tan Mo, were great! =) enjoyed playing gigs! hope they can help me gain more confidence in myself and also to build up my stage presence and also feelings.. haix..

tired is all i can say now..

tmr final battle.. jia you ba!

SYCO Beautiful Sun Concert @ Esplanade Concert Hall
3pm-4pm
FREE ADMISSION =)

yAy!! Jia you on my Xiao solo!! =))

Gambate Joyce..

=)))))

11:34:00 PM


Tuesday, September 9, 2008

8 Sept 2008

Dear Diary,

What a tiring day.. it seems that my life either seems super exciting or really stressful.. 2008 is really a very stressful year.. cos' I had to make so many decisions.. and so many commitments..

these 1 month has been a tough and tiring month for me.. especially these 2 weeks.. last week and this week.. so many performances going on.. last week just ended 3 days of Dizi Solo performance at Kovan Heartland Mall from 4pm-420pm..then every night my timing was so packed.. syco practices...teach dizi.. singing lessons on fri and sat for make up lesson.. performances..*_* wanna die from exhaustion le.. and also just yesterday, I had 2 performances at kovan.. one was the dizi solo and at night 8-9pm had my first ever singing performance for 1 hr together with raymond.. each of us sang 3 solo songs and 1 duet.. =) It was really enjoyable to sing with Raymond and a great experience!! =) I'm beginning to love echomusic more le.. =) hee.. Btw, I really wanna thank everyone for coming down to support us.

but I'm happy that I managed to survive everything and everything went through smoothly as planned..lol.. =)) thank you Buddha!! ^^

I really hope I will gain more confidence in myself and also to be able to express out the feelings and emotions of a piece of music or song.. haix.. so many ppl commented that I sing till no feeling or blow till no feeling.. its so hard.. /.\ sigh!

Anyway,

I'm looking forward to this week's next nightmare.. dizi perfs on wed, fri, sat and sun(2 perfs again..esplanade and at boon lay.. so extreme -.-)

Hey EVERYONE!!

SYCO Beautiful Sunday concert @ Esplanade Concert Hall 3pm-4pm FREE ADMISSION So do come down to watch and support if you're free.. our dear conductor, Mr Yao Shen Shen will be conducting us for the last time.. sob sob =(

We'll be playing really nice songs so do come down when you're free!! ^^

Hope I will be able to survive this week.. just tahan till this sun and next week onwards I dun have to be so busy le..

or maybe not.. haix..

competition!!

I had my worst nightmare 2 nights ago..

haix.. pls.. everything will be fine..!!

Im going mad..

12:26:00 AM


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