Dear Diary,

I couldnt believe that I was first.. until the NAC ppl called me last fri at 510pm to ask me to play pamierdechuntian on sat for the prize winners concert.. I was the only one with an ensemble as accompaniment. It was like a dream came true to fast.. till I had no preparation.. thought I wouldnt get selected cos' they said will call us between 430-5pm.. but didnt receive at 5pm.. until 10mins later.. at first was quite happy and relieved cos I could go for my vocal prac.. but sad that I had to rush down to YMS to prac with them.. before that headed to lao shi's house to borrow dizi from him.. my dizi CMI..then took cab down.. It was quite weird intially.. cos I was late and everyone was waiting for me..but no choice.. cos they called me at 510pm and asked me to reach at 6pm.. the prac was quite good.. very cool experience.. but stressful.. cos' Mr Lum conducted.. then at first he said my dizi sounded very flat.. then got a few parts I not in sync with the ensemble.. its not like solo where you can extend your beats a little.. have to be on the right beat... didnt thought till so clearly until I rehearsed with the ensemble.. =)

Anyway.. sat I took cab down to YST Conservatory.. cos had to reach at 845am.. it was a very long and tiring day..morn had run thru', rehearsal.. then afternoon watched the ensemble and percussion finals competition..then at night was the prize winners concert..tiring.. but then I was my biggest day of my life.. I was the first one to perform for the concert.. start the ball rolling.. stressful... almost played out with the ensemble. but managed to glued myself in with them.. luckily i didnt stop or forget my notes.. phew~

I was really happy that Hong Lao Shi came down =)) really happy!!! Cos I really hoped he could watch me getting my award.. =)) but sad that Raymond couldnt come cos he was sick.. ah mei also didnt come.. haix.. wanted to take a memoriable pic with them..=(

I was really touched to see mum so supportive of me.. she's been to my prelims, finals and prize winners concert!! Thank You Mum!!!! I know that during these 1 month, I've been worrying you and troubling you cos' I was sick throughout the whole month..

I've finally accepted myself.. after that day.. but I know that I still have a long way to go.. I still need to improve even more.. cos' I clearly know my standard.. competition is also partly due to luck and of course hard work.. but then like Zhu Lao Shi who gave us a masterclass on sun, told us that most important in a competition is not the results..cos it's just the 20mins time on stage and anything could go wrong or happen.. and he told us that if we were to try compete again.. the results will surely defer.. unless there's one ppl who is really super talented and outstanding..he also told us the song choice is really important!!

However, the most important thing is still the journey or preparation.. this competition is meant to increase our confidence..and I know I lack of confidence in myself.. but from now onwards.. I'll prac hard.. and not give up.. have more confidence in myself.. I still have a lot to learn and improve on!!

I'm really grateful and happy to have my friends who are so supportive of me.. encouraged, cheered, listened and shared my joy with me during this period.. though I also thought of other friends whom I always treated them to be my close friends, and wished or hoped that they would share my joy with me or at least a little concern about me like ask me how's my competition and etc... however maybe they're just too busy or doesnt care ba..

now i finally understand what is the meaning of true friends.. sometimes I feel guilty of not treating them as important as my other close friends whom I thought otherwise..

Thank You Everyone!! ='))

I also had the guts to msg my lecturers to tell them my good news.. at least the sacrifices I made this yr did not go to a waste..

I'll apply for NUS next yr!!! =)

Gonna study hard le..

Just received SYCO letter.. and I'm more assured now.. cos I'll still be in SYCO next yr! yay! So happy.. cos I really really really thought I flunked my audition.. till Mr Quek rang the bell at me..

Got to work hard le...

I'm having a singing concert this sat at Singapore Art Museum.. with echomusic peeps.. Christmas Concert.. 8pm-930pm.. tickets at $10.. interested can msg me.. =))

busy week.. got to go for xmas shopping~ whee~~ ^^

Its thanks giving time~~!! i've got so many ppl to thank to!! lol~~

Dear Diary,

These 2 weeks of competition has made everyone so stressed and tired especially when I'm sick throughout the whole month..dunno is it due to anxiety and stress.. but it was a great experience. I was quite disappointed that ChengSan CO didnt make it to the finals last tues when we had our ensemble competition at YST Conservatory. But everyone did their best le.. the thing was.. we didnt have enough practices and our team spirit was not there.. but now I support Braddell Heights CO!! Must get top 3!! =))

Last thurs was my dizi solo competition.. I got into the finals together with Ting Kai and Hsien Han..all SYCO peeps.. hee.. Was very happy and touched to see some of my great friends who came down to support me. Was also very shocked to see Chiew Hsia and Yue Ting at the Recital Studio!! I never expect both of them to come down and support me! Thank You girls! really touched.. and also thank you to raymond, chu jun and her bf, regina and her bf, wei ming, william too.. of course not forgetting my mum and sis and also everyone including ZLS who wished me good luck and gave me a lot of encouragements!! without all of their support, I wouldnt have made it to the finals.

I also have to thank Chen Wei, Weiming and William for giving me so many helpful and great advices on how to play my pamierdechuntian piece better! And also thank Raymond for giving me so much support, encouragement and advices!! Lastly, not forgetting my most respected and grateful Mr Ang Ting Leong!! My greatest Dizi Lao Shi!! Thank You for not giving up on me despite my previous lao shis who gave up on me. He was always very patient with me especially during lesson time.. which i was usually late.. but he never scolded or resented me. Thank You for lending me your really powerful and solid Dizi!! and giving me so many dimos.. lol!! Thank You for your great guidance that I improved so much after learning from you! Even though these 2 weeks have been a really tiring period for you as your baby has just borned, you still set aside time to have lessons with me! I'm really touched and grateful!!

At that moment, I was really happy and satisfied with myself as I really did my best for my prelims and was more assured after hearing good comments from my friends and audiences.

However, yesterday was a really unexpected event!!

Frankly speaking, the moment I ended my BangDi concerto piece with ChenWei, I was really disappointed with myself! And I thought "Die already la.. just now I played so many wrong notes and not just 1 part.. but 3 parts!!" It was so obvious.. especially seeing the faces of the judges..it was really confirmed that I flunked my piece!! I was more stressed up and panic when I saw the faces of the judges.. looking quite bad.. like they've heard a really lousy song.. that was my feeling..my confidence level dropped tremendously the more I played my piece.. and I was so out of confidence that I ended with a really lousy ending.. my plan intially was to end it with a BOOM!! but then I was so disappointed and breathless till I really wanted to end it fast.. and forgotten about my great ending..

The moment I stepped into the waiting room.. my mind was in a mess.. I really regretted not playing my best.. honestly speaking, I thought my usual prac with ChenWei was much much better than my perf yesterday!

In my heart I thought.. I'm sure I wouldnt get any prize.. or if I could get a 3rd place.. I would have already thank God, Buddha..cos it was not possible.. I thought when we made so many mistakes.. already counted out liao.. I was already very prepared mentally to accept any results.. Cos I knew even though 3 ppl get into finals.. it's not confirm that there'll surely be 1st, 2nd and 3rd.. and the previous years it didnt happen this way..

I really thought Ting Kai played really well.. Even though I was at the waiting room hearing him play from the speakers, I was really touched by his music.. esp the slow movement part! I must agree.. I can't play Lan Hua Hua as good as him!! The way he portrayed the music was really great and touching.. and his showmanship was really good!! Very natural..

For Hsien Han, I really feel that he improved a lot technically and also muscially..

When the results came, I was confirmed that Ting Kai would be first.. but when they announced the 3rd place.. everyone was in a state of shock.. even I.. all of us couldnt believe our ears.. it was so weird.. and unexpected.. and after they announced 2nd place.. I was more confirmed that there was no 1st place for dizi open le.. cos' it could not possibly be me..

but then.. it was so unexpected.. and im sure everyone was feeling the same way.. how could it be..

so weird right.. i should be feeling happy.. cos at least.. giving up on my scholarship to UK and disappointing my lecturers, giving up on my full-time job to prac my dizi for 1 whole month, spending lots of money for lessons and going thru with my pianist.. was all worth it! At least my hard work didnt go to a waste.. and finally I've achieved my biggest dream.. to win in dizi competition.. after taking part 3 times.. first time didnt get into finals.. 2nd time got into finals but didnt win.. and now.. It was really very unexpected.. I had never wished to get a top.. get at least a 3rd I would have already been overjoyed and really no regrets!!

but then.. i couldnt get to sleep last night.. my heart and mind were really in a mess.. i couldnt understand why.. there's no marks given or comments from the judges.. I keep feeling that perhaps they really made a big mistake in the ranking.. maybe they put the names wrongly upside down? Especially when the other ppl who watched our perf.. didnt agree with the judges.. I clearly know my stand.. but just dont know why..

I'm really very confused.. :(

is this a dream?? haix..

or maybe I should have more confidence and believe in myself.. cos I really did put in a lot of hard work and practice.. But I guess Luck still play a very important part on stage..cos' anything can go wrong.. its so unpredictable..

but I really must Thank ChenWei, WeiMing, ChiewHsia, YueTing, Mum, Jackson, Ryan, Shi Wee and my other friends who came down to support me and also help me with my piece!! Thank You to everyone especially Raymond, William and my friends who gave me so much encouragement and support and my great Hong Lao Shi!!!

I guess the only thing I must do now is to keep on improving myself even better cos I know I still have a lot a lot to improve on.. and to aim for solo concerto in chengsan CO or SYCO next yr.. that's my next dream now.. i'll do my best!! =')

Dear Diary,

Argh.. what the heck is wrong with me? I should be concentrating on my competitions now.. focus joyce.. and not thinking of other impossible frustrating stuffs!! What is already not meant for me.. is not meant for me.. so stop wishing for miracles to happen!!

what is wrong with my gastric?? I must get well soon!!!!

stop anyhow thinking le.. nothing else other than my competition can affect me now!!

jia you jia you!!