Dear Diary,

realised that recently I have become so emo.. but still, I'm grateful for everything and thankful for the people around me who have helped me or supported me or been with me or given me great advices or pointed out my bad points or given me opportunities or let me realised that I should not take things for granted..or been indecisive..

recently just graduated from the 1st batch of Star Program at Echomusic. Will miss the times having lesson with Raymond and Regina.. ='( haix.. best times ever.. cos' they made realise how fun singing is and I've found myself another passion which I never ever thought I will have before. but still.. haix..

feeling tired of CO sometimes.. cos' i've lost motivation, the push to accomplish something.. maybe I should faster go back have lesson with HLS.. but money is another prob.. though i have an opportunity to play solo for concerto in Chengsan CO but then its not confirmed.. cos' until now I havent receive my scores.. and think july is the concert le.. can i master the piece in 3 months? anyway.. now i'm really afraid ZLS will last min tell me that he cannot managed to buy a score for me to play.. and maybe it'll be time for me to quit.. i dunno..

another opportunity is teach..but then conductor still have to discuss with teacher in charge.. so I cant confirm.. last time he also asked me whether I wanted to teach and I readily and excitedly said yes.. but until syf over also no news.. but now.. i dunno..

lost my fixed part time job.. =(
lost my tuition.. =(
lesser recordings i suppose..=(

hmm..

am i emo again?

i'm such a complicated person with complicated feelings and complicated mind.. and funny thing is that I've been reading so many different self-help or inspirational bks recently but they doesn't seem to help.. though i understand what I must do or must not do.. in the end.. it seems to be the same..

stop the emo!!!!!

i'm a happy person... I cannot let my wild imaginations control me!!

i love my family and friends =)

Dear Diary,

confused.. dun understand why ppl will think it that way.. cant accept their ways of thinking and actions.. but this is life.. have to accept ppl in order for them to accept you.. hmm.. dunno why murderers will have the thought of killing.. how can they bear to do it?? weird aye.. i cant understand ppl.. -.-

argh..

but i want to understand..

but will i have the patience or an open mind to accept it?

hmm...

i really wish to know..

I feel sad after hearing about the Jap war stories and how ppl used to torture ppl in the past. It was horrible!! inhumane!! >.<" that's why I hate violent gruesome shows or games! Why ppl will have these thoughts?? And when I heard about how ppl kill animals.. I was feeling really uncomfortable!! I know I have no rights to feel sorry.. cos' Im eating them every day.. but if ppl dun kill them then we dun eat rite.. kill le must eat if not like very waste of their sacrifice.. contradicting again.. haix.. =( but I know God created animals for us to eat.. but why will he do that if animals like us humans, have feelings too? why is God being unfair to the animals? hmm.. this is one thing i still dun understand.. maybe i hate unfairness.. but its too controversial to carry on.. so let's put it in this way.. as its the way nature works ba..

if everyone can be happy everyday.. living in peace and harmony.. being kind to others.. instead of showing a grumpy face.. show a happy and smiling face..the world will be so wonderful.. and no cops are needed.. but i guess lesser and lesser ppl are doing so.. i'll be in my dreamland for all these things to happen..

walk down on the streets.. always see ppl showing the "no feelings" face.. or grumpy.. or angry faces.. or even those irritated looking expressions.. especially in crowded places.. pushing each other.. even I have been following into their footsteps.. when we look into the stranger's eyes.. we would try our best to siam it fast so we dun have to give any expressions.. and if we suddenly look into their eyes for a sec and smile at them.. they might think we are mad.. or we mistook them for someone whom we know of?

thinking back.. last time when I was in pri sch.. I would give up a seat for the elderly and almost any adults or children who may need the seat more than I do.. and the feeling of being kind to them made me really happy! but as I grew up.. dunno why I only have the feeling of doing good to myself.. and that will be good enough.. I'm being more insensitive to ppl around me.. strangers esp..

isnt it weird.. or is it nature.. hmm.. weird humans..

today had a funny encounter inside the bus.. lol.. an indian man was being really inconsiderate.. putting his arms to rest on the back of the sofa seats.. and making the ppl seating beside him feeling so uncomfortable.. i wonder if he had armpit odour ma.. lol.. that'll be terrible!

but anyway, those ppl sitting beside him quickly changed seats to avoid him.. then suddenly when he was on the phone with someone.. he became very aggressive.. like going to kill someone! shouted over the phone loudly with vigourous hand signals! scared the few old aunties around him.. lol.. but luckily he alighted the bus very soon.. and so funny. the aunties for 15mins.. kept talking about him.. saying that he's abnormal.. and saying that if he did not leave the bus soon.. they would have changed seats.. as they were scared he might hit them out of his not-so-right mind..

hmm.. sometimes i really pity those ppl who are disabled.. esp those seating in wheel chairs selling tissues or begging for money etc.. but then i dunno why even though I feel sorry for them.. I still dunwan to donate money to them.. contradicting rite.. just that I feel that beggars arent really worth us to help them.. instead of begging others and looking down or giving up on oneself, why not do something which is more meaningful so that ppl will come and help you automatically? I really look up to those who are trying their best to stay strong and showing others that they are not looked down upon.. and they are like normal human beings like us..**salute them**

that's why i say that im being more insensitive nowadays.. hai.. i do wanna help.. but i just cant do it.. and sometimes when I look at them..esp beggars.. i despise them even more.. and i feel so bad about it!

life..