Dear Diary,

These 2 weeks of competition has made everyone so stressed and tired especially when I'm sick throughout the whole month..dunno is it due to anxiety and stress.. but it was a great experience. I was quite disappointed that ChengSan CO didnt make it to the finals last tues when we had our ensemble competition at YST Conservatory. But everyone did their best le.. the thing was.. we didnt have enough practices and our team spirit was not there.. but now I support Braddell Heights CO!! Must get top 3!! =))

Last thurs was my dizi solo competition.. I got into the finals together with Ting Kai and Hsien Han..all SYCO peeps.. hee.. Was very happy and touched to see some of my great friends who came down to support me. Was also very shocked to see Chiew Hsia and Yue Ting at the Recital Studio!! I never expect both of them to come down and support me! Thank You girls! really touched.. and also thank you to raymond, chu jun and her bf, regina and her bf, wei ming, william too.. of course not forgetting my mum and sis and also everyone including ZLS who wished me good luck and gave me a lot of encouragements!! without all of their support, I wouldnt have made it to the finals.

I also have to thank Chen Wei, Weiming and William for giving me so many helpful and great advices on how to play my pamierdechuntian piece better! And also thank Raymond for giving me so much support, encouragement and advices!! Lastly, not forgetting my most respected and grateful Mr Ang Ting Leong!! My greatest Dizi Lao Shi!! Thank You for not giving up on me despite my previous lao shis who gave up on me. He was always very patient with me especially during lesson time.. which i was usually late.. but he never scolded or resented me. Thank You for lending me your really powerful and solid Dizi!! and giving me so many dimos.. lol!! Thank You for your great guidance that I improved so much after learning from you! Even though these 2 weeks have been a really tiring period for you as your baby has just borned, you still set aside time to have lessons with me! I'm really touched and grateful!!

At that moment, I was really happy and satisfied with myself as I really did my best for my prelims and was more assured after hearing good comments from my friends and audiences.

However, yesterday was a really unexpected event!!

Frankly speaking, the moment I ended my BangDi concerto piece with ChenWei, I was really disappointed with myself! And I thought "Die already la.. just now I played so many wrong notes and not just 1 part.. but 3 parts!!" It was so obvious.. especially seeing the faces of the judges..it was really confirmed that I flunked my piece!! I was more stressed up and panic when I saw the faces of the judges.. looking quite bad.. like they've heard a really lousy song.. that was my feeling..my confidence level dropped tremendously the more I played my piece.. and I was so out of confidence that I ended with a really lousy ending.. my plan intially was to end it with a BOOM!! but then I was so disappointed and breathless till I really wanted to end it fast.. and forgotten about my great ending..

The moment I stepped into the waiting room.. my mind was in a mess.. I really regretted not playing my best.. honestly speaking, I thought my usual prac with ChenWei was much much better than my perf yesterday!

In my heart I thought.. I'm sure I wouldnt get any prize.. or if I could get a 3rd place.. I would have already thank God, Buddha..cos it was not possible.. I thought when we made so many mistakes.. already counted out liao.. I was already very prepared mentally to accept any results.. Cos I knew even though 3 ppl get into finals.. it's not confirm that there'll surely be 1st, 2nd and 3rd.. and the previous years it didnt happen this way..

I really thought Ting Kai played really well.. Even though I was at the waiting room hearing him play from the speakers, I was really touched by his music.. esp the slow movement part! I must agree.. I can't play Lan Hua Hua as good as him!! The way he portrayed the music was really great and touching.. and his showmanship was really good!! Very natural..

For Hsien Han, I really feel that he improved a lot technically and also muscially..

When the results came, I was confirmed that Ting Kai would be first.. but when they announced the 3rd place.. everyone was in a state of shock.. even I.. all of us couldnt believe our ears.. it was so weird.. and unexpected.. and after they announced 2nd place.. I was more confirmed that there was no 1st place for dizi open le.. cos' it could not possibly be me..

but then.. it was so unexpected.. and im sure everyone was feeling the same way.. how could it be..

so weird right.. i should be feeling happy.. cos at least.. giving up on my scholarship to UK and disappointing my lecturers, giving up on my full-time job to prac my dizi for 1 whole month, spending lots of money for lessons and going thru with my pianist.. was all worth it! At least my hard work didnt go to a waste.. and finally I've achieved my biggest dream.. to win in dizi competition.. after taking part 3 times.. first time didnt get into finals.. 2nd time got into finals but didnt win.. and now.. It was really very unexpected.. I had never wished to get a top.. get at least a 3rd I would have already been overjoyed and really no regrets!!

but then.. i couldnt get to sleep last night.. my heart and mind were really in a mess.. i couldnt understand why.. there's no marks given or comments from the judges.. I keep feeling that perhaps they really made a big mistake in the ranking.. maybe they put the names wrongly upside down? Especially when the other ppl who watched our perf.. didnt agree with the judges.. I clearly know my stand.. but just dont know why..

I'm really very confused.. :(

is this a dream?? haix..

or maybe I should have more confidence and believe in myself.. cos I really did put in a lot of hard work and practice.. But I guess Luck still play a very important part on stage..cos' anything can go wrong.. its so unpredictable..

but I really must Thank ChenWei, WeiMing, ChiewHsia, YueTing, Mum, Jackson, Ryan, Shi Wee and my other friends who came down to support me and also help me with my piece!! Thank You to everyone especially Raymond, William and my friends who gave me so much encouragement and support and my great Hong Lao Shi!!!

I guess the only thing I must do now is to keep on improving myself even better cos I know I still have a lot a lot to improve on.. and to aim for solo concerto in chengsan CO or SYCO next yr.. that's my next dream now.. i'll do my best!! =')