J O Y C E.
there's nothing wrong with my name.
I love blogging, well, that's the main reason this URL exists.
She's the only witness and the only person who can judge her life.
This is my blog so Click here if you hate it.

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Designed by Raymond Chua ``-bluezcold ^^- ``Created On 02April2008

Profile

Name: Joyce Poh
School: Singapore Polytechnic
Course: Dip in Music and Audio Technology (Yr3)
Age: 19
DateOfBirth: 27October1988

MY LOVES
DiZi
Performing
MUSIC!
Comedy/Romance Movies
Anime
Swimming
Dreaming
Egg,Ice-cream,chocolate
People who cares
Smiling =)

MY HATES
Unappreciative ppl
Horror Movies
World War/Home War
Making Decisions
Yam, EggPlant and Lady's Fingers

MY WISHES
Peace & Harmony
Know myself & others better
Everyone I care are healthy including myself
Jaw faster heal!!
Happy and more energetic


Sunday, September 21, 2008

my feelings for ONLY today..it might not be the same for tmr.. or not?

Dear Diary,

Yesterday went to celebrate Derek's early Birthday with the usual Srsco peeps..this yr a bit different..cos usually celebrate the birthdays of the 4 of us-chu jun, raymond, derek and myself together..but this year its different..cos so many things changed..i still miss the past....anyway.. we went to sing Karaoke at Kster Chinatown.. the room was horribly smelly.. and the system was so troublesome.. need to use mouse to click.. mic even worse.. muffled and had a rusty smell..their service super slow.. and worst of all was they actually calculated the bill wrongly for us.. at first we thought each only need to pay $5.20.. so still ok la.. cos' the place was horrible.. but then after we foot the bill, the person came in and told us they calculated wrongly.. so ended up each paying $15.. can say is cheaper than Kbox la.. but I would rather pay a few dollars more to be in a better environment.

James was very very romantic..haha.. he actually planned this event very well.. and even gave everyone and Derek a big surprise when they suddenly played the 'Happy Birthday' song and we started singing..they suddenly came in with a cake lighted with candles.. it was so romantic! haha.. how i wish i would get this surprise on my birthday too..haha..

Actually during the singing session.. I felt a bit weird la.. cos' all guys.. I thought Angie, Jason and YJ would be going too..then somehow I felt a bit left out.. Cos' the guys were so close to each other... felt weird..esp seeing him suddenly sooo close to them..like putting his arms around their shoulders.. but i also tried to sing with them.. quite ok la.. but i feel that my singing is so horrible.. like no improvement even after attending 1 month plus de singing lessons le..

then after that, we went to Bugis to eat at a vegetarian food stall.. quite nice.. Angie, Jason, YJ and MK came to join us.. the table was so cramped..but ok la..service and food was delicious!! ^^

after that, actually planned to go to Esplanade the Merlion there to play with fireworks and celebrated belated mooncake festival.. but then like didnt have any convenient place for us to celebrate..then we decided to go Punggol Park instead.. but I went home.. cos' was feeling quite tired and sian..and a bit left out.. dunno why.. I feel that im still not as close to everyone else yet.. actually tried to find topic to talk.. but dunno why still like tt.. really envy him why he can be so sociable and gets everyone's attention.. why he cares for so many ppl..and so many ppl like him so much and seek him for advice and etc...even myself...he is like my idol.. who is so hard to follow..but i really idolize him so much.. sometimes i already tried to socialise or not think so much.. but it always ends up this way when im in a group with him or not.. i know i shouldnt feel this way, cos' its not like everyone meet up every day.. we seldom get to go out in a big group like this.. and its only right to catch up with one another and joke around and have fun! If not, what's the point of meeting up in a group right? stupid me.. but i dunno why am i feeling this way.. I also really want to joke around with everyone and also move our friendships to higher level..not just those normal hello..how are u.. or how's life recently..like there's still a distance between us.. i want to joke around.. have fun.. laugh laugh laugh..too.....

is this my problem again.. haix.. why am i like this? or is it just that i care for him way too much till now it has all become jealousy and selfishness?

I felt even more weird when i see him putting his arms around the shoulders of the other guys.. like he suddenly become so open nowadays..

what is love? is this all just siblings love? then if it is for me, why do i feel so jealous about such minor things? maybe i should change my thinking and feeling ba..

nowadays i keep thinking about the past.. i missed the feeling of being loved and in love.. i missed the feeling of romance and intimacy.. however, i know i what im doing.. im just thinking and missing it only.. i know nothing will help by thinking about the past.. i have to move on..

but sometimes im so tired.. i feel tt im just acting to be strong or acting as if nothing is wrong or everything is normal.. or maybe im really feeling it and not acting at all?? i dunno..

why am i so selfish... i know i cant force someone to change just because i dun like the way that person is doing, saying or acting.. perhaps i should just get used to it.. and accept it..instead of feeling so stressed about it everytime.. i dun wan to keep on discussing about the same problem everytime..because it wont help as the prob is still there.. but why is it so hard for me to change my thinking?

i think for this part.. i already failed.. if i want to become a counsellor or psychiatrist...... cos you have to accept everyone you meet.. with no biasness or any justifications.. maybe i should really do psychology? so that i can learn to accept and understand ppl..

but i am just not used to it...sometimes i just tell myself.. dun think so much or dun bother so much.. i remember our vow.. but will it really help? i dun wan to lose him as a friend.. because he is very important to me..and i dun treat him only like a bro..

sometimes i just dunno what he is really thinking.. how i wish i could read his mind..

im just so bad at understanding ppl..

but i want to improve on that..

i want to be slim of course.. who dun wan to be pretty and slim..this has been my dream since young..esp when playing with barbie dolls last time.. everytime imagine the dolls to be myself.. but its so hard too.. maybe i really lack of determination.. but i am who i am now.. and i accept and love myself for who i am now..

i miss him..

I had a horrible nightmare again last night.. guessed who i dreamt of.. the dream got worse than the previous 2 dreams that i dreamt of that person..

im afraid... what if.. one day.. he..

will our friendship be as close as what we are now..

this year has been my happiest year ever..though also had a lot of things happened along the way like about what to study,work,misfortunes.....etc.. maybe it's bcos' i get to spend a lot of time with that person and having his greatest support as well as from my other friends,teachers and family.. and i enjoy and treasure every moment spent with him.....that's why i'm happy and i dont regret my decisions because i know i will be able to handle my own life..

Perhaps i should just focus more on my competition for now ba.. i should love my dizi more instead..lol.. dizi i love you..hahahaha... pls support me for my competition.. bcos the competition is vey important to me.. i will do my best.. and i will overcome my stage fright!

the group competition is also giving me lots of stress.. cos' not only i got solo parts, but i have to blow them with feelings.. ZLS today told me that i blow well but no feeling to the song..haix.. im so depressed again..why i dun have feeling when singing or playing dizi de?I've tried to be engrossed into it...but still like nothing.. though i always feel that im already so emo..

am i weird? lol.. :S

maybe i'll feel differently tmr.. my mood swings so easily..lol.. pardon me..

i love my friends..thank u all..=)

9:36:00 PM


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