Dear Diary,

Didnt know why.. when I stepped out of my house on the way to WTC for practice with Victor, I had a really bad omen.. Like when I wanted to cross the road, suddenly a car drove so fast.. then when i wanted to walk through, the taxi started to move.. -.- and i was late for prac..

haix.. yesterday's 4th performance at WTC.. i screwed up.. I really disappointed Esther and everyone else.. I felt so angry with myself.. i've been performing for 4 times already and I still couldnt do a good job.. messed up everything..

I wanted to sing well.. wanted to show Esther, myself and everyone else that i would do a good job and put more emotions to my songs.. and that i'm trying to improve on my singing and stage presence and whatever she had taught us in class.. but didnt know why the moment I got onto stage, I was totally lost for words!

Even the words I said didnt make sense.. BROKEN CHINESE! /.\

I think I need to take up chinese lessons.. haix.. didnt even know how to phrase my sentences properly..

Then when i started to sing.. i couldnt get into the mood.. and i felt my singing was quite horrible.. I felt that I could do a better job.. but I didnt..

Then I also didnt know what to say.. cos' we had to communicate and entertain the audiences.. Raymond was also lost for words.. and I was so stressed cos' I didnt know what topics to talk about.. and I didnt really know a lot of the singers' background or the song background etc.. I was scared that he would blame me again.. like the previous time when he wanted to ask me some questions but i gave him a close ans..

I tried to ask him some questions.. but maybe I said out of the point.. and then suddenly he interrupted me and said whether could he begin his next song or not..

Then just before our last duet song, the time was still early.. so we decided to invite Tai Wei (last min special guest) up to stage to perform one song.. cos' Raymond actually asked him whether he would like to come up and sing later, before our perf.. and he agreed..

But one important thing we didnt realise was to ask Victor whether he had the guitar score of the song that Tai Wei wanted to sing.. Then when Tai Wei came up, Victor didnt had the score.. so ended up him singing and playing guitar..

Haix.. Then our last duet song was badly sung.. we rushed the song..

Worst still.. Both of us didnt know how to end the whole perf.. I was waiting for Raymond to say something.. but he told me to say.. then I was so stressed and nervous till I just said 'Good Night'.. and we left.. haix..

Then Esther was quite angry with us and scolded us for ending the perf so abruptly.. and commented that we kept rushing for our last song.. After that Simon and Esther left.. haix.. I knew that they were very disappointed in us.. so after that Neo helped us by singing one last song and ended the perf nicely.. by announcing to the audiences about our perf at WTC every sun and Thanked them..

I couldnt control myself again.. so I teared and gave a big scare to Sky..

hai.. why am i so emotional.. i just couldnt control la.. i know crying doesnt solve the problem.. but i just felt like crying.. cos' everything's just bottled up inside and its super uncomfortable..

But Neo and Sky explained to us and told us our mistakes and etc.. at least we learned a big lesson last night..

On the way back..i felt so strange.. I know Raymond was feeling very down and had no mood...But seeing him so sad, i tried to talk to him about other subjects.. so to make him happier..and myself happier.. but he didnt seem to wanna talk.. and worse still..he kept msging other ppl..

felt so strange..he like treated me as if i was not there.. i know both of us already felt so disappointed in ourselves.. but then...

haix.. couldnt control again.. cos the more silent it got, the more i thought back about the earlier perf..and I felt that I was the one to be blamed for everything.. like i've dragged him down with me..

Was so looking forward to yesterday's perf cos' we get to sing together again.. thought no more chance to partner with him le.. cos' Esther told us that she was going to partner us with someone with more experience instead..

but then.. instead of making it a success and seeing him having more confidence in himself.. it ended like that..

This morning on the way for Dizi lesson.. I msged Esther and apologised to her.. But i'm really relieved and glad that she replied and was not angry with us. We'll work hard on our stage presence and not repeat our mistakes again! Thank You Esther, Neo and Sky and everyone else who cheered us up!

Haix.. today Hong Lao Shi said that I blow dizi till no feeling.. mono.. no dynamics.. im getting depressed again.. i have about 1.5months before the competition!!

I definitely would not ever ever ever want my competition to screw up like yesterday's perf!!

How can i put my feelings into my songs???

im so tired../.\